Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
