her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
