There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize