paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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