Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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