Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Randomize
