im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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