im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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