she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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