The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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