I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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