I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
