God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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