I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
