Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
