I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
