My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize