Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
