Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
