I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
