hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
