Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
