Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
