just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
