I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
