bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
We have started to decorate penises.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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