I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
