Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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