did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
