We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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