I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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