First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
