M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You smell like stripper and shame
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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