Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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