dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
