we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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