Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
