I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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