i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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