Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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