I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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