At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
