yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
