Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
