four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
