wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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