Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
