I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
