Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize