Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
