My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize