did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize