Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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