I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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