Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
