Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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