I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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