i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
