I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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