My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
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