i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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