im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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