His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
