Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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