Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
