Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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