I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
