I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
