Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
