I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
