everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
