if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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