you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
