I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
